Itaewon: Korea's New Jersey

Only in Itaewon, located in Seoul, will you find a scene like this...To your far left is a girl raised in Germany and now back in Korea with inexplicable English abilities. Then there's the local Koreans who seemed to disappear every 5 minutes and next to them are two American soldiers (one of whom is from Virginia and was a Redskins fan...I punched him in the face shortly after this picture was taken). The point is Itaewon is the more diverse part of Korea. But before we start singing "We are the world", we have to remember a very important saying:

"Too many cooks spoil the broth."

Teachers: We are everywhere in this town. Foreigner on foreigner love is pretty rampant here as everyone seeks a piece of home (and a piece of ass too). The Korean girls go crazy for the roundeye out here. Maybe its because they can offer them a better life. Maybe its because foreigners are

better in bed. My theory is that most of them just take my money, when I'm in need...They're just trifling friends indeed...

Most Interesting Phenomenon: The foreign girls need loving too. While the white male teachers calm their yellow fever, these girls are left in the cold. Coincidentally, there has been a boom in the Korean sex toy industry.

Canadians: If I had 500 won for every Canadian that I've met...

Korea is a like a safehaven for Canadian refugees; exiled from a life of hockey and maple syrup.

Don't get me wrong, I love our neighbors to the north but if I hear one more argument that hockey is better than football, I will kick them all the way back to Canada myself.

Honorable Mention: The Irish and Scottish: I would say its a stereotype to call them alcoholics but they are a 100% alcohol filled here.

The Other Half: The gay population of Korea is next to none, if you ask anyone over 30 here. However, apparently the gay community thrives but only here in Itaewon. The irony that there is only one place where homosexuals can meet and there is only one place the US soldiers meet, and guess what? It's the same place! That has sitcom (or bloodbath) written all over it.

Most Interesting Phenomenon: This is a picture of my friend Jason Jang (right) and he's not gay...but apparently he forgot to tell this dude that.

Safe to say that this place is the weirdest place I have seen in all of Seoul. When you visit, make sure and bring a cup, a condom, and a camera...

I didn't even mention the ATM's here...

Angelo vs. The Brain

This post is dedicated to culinary adventurers all over the world. With invincible tastebuds and iron stomachs, they explore other cultures' foods so that the other foreigners with them can say "no thanks, you've already enjoyed it enough for the rest of us." This is a tale of one such man....

Angelo loves him some food. And Korea does have an abundance of it. This picture was taken at a supermarket. Lets not ask why he's holding a beer with Tony the Tiger, lets just embrace the fact that we weren't shunned out of the country right then and there. Back to the story...

So we decide to try spicy seafood stew. Its full of the favorites like shrimp and oyster. But that's not all. Apparently, the stew goes best with what seems to look like a brain. However, we were told that it is NOT brain. BUT, our moment of relief was only replaced by horror when we were told that it was fish intestines. Brains are for thinking and intestines are for tinkling...even trade. Angelo decides that he will bite the bullet and "just eat it", so here's the play by play




Angelo about to place the "brain" in his mouth. His confidence is high and he swears that this is "no problem" and a "piece of cake"






This is the "Are you Serious?" Shot. This picture also highlights the universal appeal of the "brain". With its ridges and squishiness, its a wonder that we don't eat this more often.





"Over the Teeth and Through the Gums..."










Not sure if he'll ever be the same again. But I will never question this man's bravery (his intelligence however...)




Writers Note: I paid about 30 dollars for my share of this meal in which I had 3 bites. I only went here because we ate with 2 hot Korean bartenders who really dug a guy who can handle him some "brain". I immediately ate as much "brain" as I could. After the meal, we rushed ourselves to a food court and ordered burgers.

...and How To Waste It!

Ahh...so now that you're up to speed on Korean money, here are ways that I use it. The cost of living is relatively cheap here in terms of Korean food and booze. Public transportation is a dream and if you crave a smoke, they go for 2 dollars a pack. But beyond that, if you eat at a western restaurant, invest in electronics, or just treat your cash like Monopoly money, life in Korea can end up being a dead end street (but one hell of a ride). Lets see how I spend my money:

Karaoke: A staple of Korean culture. The love for inebriated singing is genetic apparently and I am no different. Who am I to deny my heritage? It seems like there is a karaoke bar on every block and for about 10,000 Won per hour, you can shamelessly sing the top American hits of the 80's and 90's as well as Korean pop. My favorites this month are:

I'll make love to you - Boyz 2 Men

Tearing up my heart - Nsync

The Right Stuff - New Kids on the Block

Dust in the Wind - Kansas

SuperGroceryStores: These supercenters are one-stop till you drop mega-stores sent from the heavens to fulfill my laziest fantasies. Food, clothes, electronics, household goods, and even a Starbucks is what you'll find in these places. With names like Homeplus, E-mart, and even Walmart and Costco, money is sure to burn here.

Super Overpriced American Goods: Sure, I get homesick sometimes. But for stupid things like pancakes, Lost, and of course....chipotle. However, there are some goods here that you can find but if you want Americana, you're gonna have to pay for it. Ben and Jerry's and Haagen-Dazs is all around but at 8,000 Won a tub, I'll settle for the Korean derivative, Super-Happy-Fun-Joy-Joy-Cream*. Pringles and Hersey's chocolate are like currency here; like you can offer it to the biggest Korean here (most likely me) in exchange for protection. The deodorant here is expensive and awful and finding it is a needle in a haystack. If you ever visit, make sure and bring these items...please.

*Note: I'm not sure Haagen-Dazs is an American brand and there probably is no Super-Happy-Fun-Joy-Joy-Cream company. I fabricated it for entertainment purposes. However, if it does exist, I do apologize to the SHFJJC corporation for copyright infringements.

Western-Brand Fast Food - Hey, even in Korea, you gotta have it your way. The Whopper (6,000 Won per combo), though similar in appearance, has the most flavorless patty I've ever encountered. The pizza (which I've sampled from Dominos, Pizza Hut, and Papa Johns in Korea) is alright except they really don't like tomato sauce. In fact, I believe they spread what I equate to about 2 ketchup packets worth of sauce over a 13" pizza (and at 14,000 won+ a pizza, no thank you). The best fast-food honor goes to KFC and Popeyes. The Koreans have really got their fried chicken down to science. Great taste and perfectly cooked, the chicken comes in multiple forms, including my favorite, the Tower Burger. Its a fried chicken patty between a bun with a hash brown added on top just to kick it up a notch and at around 5,000 Won a combo, its totally worth it.

So there you have it...I've wasted my money on food and singing and since I'm sending this post to my mother, I didn't even mention the booze....

I'll save that for the next one...

Korean Money...

As a teacher, I feel as though my blog should become more of an educational resource to outsiders who have yet to discover the beauty and appeal of this hidden Asian gem. So today, I will explain the currency of Korea called the Won.

This is a 1000 Won Bill. This bill converts exactly to about a US dollar. It is most commonly used when riding taxes, buses, and subways as public transportation is almost always around that cost. I mainly use it to buy candy and cookies from the local 7-11.

This is a 10,000 Won Bill. If a 1,000 Won is a dollar then a kooky theory called mathematics makes this worth about 10 US dollars. It the highest form of paper money with a face on it. There's also a 5,000 Won Bill but I didn't show it. Get over it. I use this to make all my big purchases which include fast food, Korean food, cold food, and of course, hot food.

In the event of winning the lottery, I would start carrying around this bill. Its like the bastard step-child to the check but its the only way to fly if you wanna carry around the Korean equivalent to a C-note. The number on this check can vary from 100,000 to as many zeros as you can fit in that margin. I have never seen a bill like this but I hear they are nice...and taste like chicken.

Reader of the Month: Mark R.

(Above) From Left to Right: Random, Random, Mark, Random, Random. This picture isn't creepy one bit.

Dear Readers,

I have created this section because of the enormous bust formerly called my "ask me anything" section. The only question that I got was from Josh Silver, and all he wanted was a cable check...check's in the mail, Josh...maybe.

I have noticed that Mark has left the most feedback in my comments section and showed the most interest in my boredom-driven endeavor. So in my gratitude, I see it fit to reward him by stroking his ego a bit with a side of ribbing.

His dedication to this site is a reflection of the kind of man he is: Bored. His late night checking and re-checking is a testament to our friendship and frankly, makes it hard for me to not update; I wouldn't want to leave Marcus without stuff to do.

Upon receiving this honor, he had this to say:

"Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse. "

Unsure of what his quote means, I'll end it with this...A great man, a great friend, and a natural-born leader, I am proud to announce Mark as my first Reader of the Month.


Now, use the label below and send me burritos, jerk...

I Miss Only One Thing...

So life is good, I work, I work-out, and I get paid...but you know...despite the vast hoards of American chains that have parasictally invaded this country and created a universal love of the Big Mac, I simply ask "Where's the Chipotle?" My investigation led me to email someone at the Chipotle company via their website and here's what I wrote:

To the greatest restaurant ever,
I am a teacher in South Korea and in my conversations with fellow teachers about missing home, I realized the only thing that I miss from the states is a double-meat chicken pinto burrito with sourcream, lettuce, corn, and what I affectionately call "the brown".
Please open a Chipotle here in Korea somewhere. Anywhere you can but your best bet is in Seoul. They have everything. Even those jerks at Quiznos' have opened a store here...you're missing out on the action. I would devote at least 20 % of my paycheck and I'm sure I could create a slew of faithful chipotle customers enslaved, like I am, to the the taste of the sweet nourishment that is your burrito.Boy. I have tears in my eyes thinking about how much that burrito means to me....please open a Chipotle here...

or airmail a case to me please!

and here's the answer that this grubby, no-good, burrito-monopolizing company sent me:

Don,
We appreciate your enthusiasm for Chipotle and I wish I could tell you that we have plans to venture overseas someday, but I cannot. I'm sure it may happen eventually but there are so many places here in the US that we have yet to open in first. I hope that makes sense and hope you can hang in there.
Take Care!
Sincerely,
Dawn Dillon
Mojo Mama
Chipotle

Hang in there??!? Hang in there...its like being a crack dealer then telling your client to "hang in there" while you stop giving him his fix...you bastards....I'm not sure i'll ever forgive them for this...

but seriously...please Air Mail Burritos in Coolers via Express Mail...I have created (actually Jason Jang did...thanks) labels that you can print out and attach to the box so its quick,easy, and almost pain free. Sending the Burrito ensure you a hoard of Korean souvenirs...

Do the Right Thing!